Madness Becomes Her

I try putting word after word down on paper and it is hard. 

I don't remember it being this hard before. It used to be an escape. I used to dream and the dreams would whisper and sing and to write it all down would be a release, a natural outcome to a bloody car accident in the making. To create a story required dedication. Pulling strings off old moldy dresses to weave a new gown. But once the strings were in place the rest was easy. The words flowed freely. It felt like opening up my ribcage to let all the organs spill out onto the page. It left me tired, but elevated. Sometimes happy, something fine. Most of the times it made living worthwhile. 

I try to remember when it changed. It was not one single moment, I ponder. Oh, I can remember the last story I wrote and I can remember liking it and wanting to share it with... someone else. But I don't remember the first time I sat down to write and came up... empty. 

All I know is I find myself here. It is sad and lonely and all the voices in my head are silent now. It is an awful feeling, complete loneliness. They give you pills to obtain it but never warn you about how empty it will be once you get there. I guess it does give you a lot of time to adult now that you no longer waste time with dreaming of impossible and fighting foreign wars over lands unknown. A war of dragons takes a lot of time out of the excitement of finishing your second laundry batch of the day. 

Mostly, through it all, I've grown tired. Tired of the quiet and empty feeling inside. Tired of a life where googling 'Best Blogging Platforms' brings out hits on how to make money with blogging, how to be popular with blogging and how to win at blogging and subsequently become a millionaire. 

I want to do things for fun again. Write, take photos, sing songs very badly and on top of my voice. I want to pick flowers and learn how to make my own candles. I want to close the books that do not interest me and start new ones without feeling guilty. Make friends with some local witches. I want to lose money more than make money.

I will be doing that here. Starting with writing. Maybe. We will see. 

Hush, the beats are waking now. I need to do the laundry still. 

Hope the woman in the wallpaper decides to help for a change.